A Woman's Christmas Lament

'Twas the month after Christmas, and all through the house

Nothing would fit me, not even a blouse.

The cookies I'd nibbled, the eggnog I'd taste

At the holiday parties had gone to my waist.

When I got on the scales there arose such a number!

When I walked to the store (less a walk than a lumber).

I'd remember the marvelous meals I'd prepared;

The gravies and sauces and beef nicely rared,

The punch and candy, the bread and the cheese

And the way I'd not said, "No thank you, please."

As I dressed myself in my husband's old shirt

And prepared once again to do battle with dirt-

I said to myself, as I only can

"You can't spend a winter disguised as a man!"

So-away with the last of the sour cream dip,

Get rid of the fruit cake, every cracker and chip

Every last bit of food that I like must be banished

"Till all the additional ounces have vanished

I won't have a cookie-not even a lick,

I'll want only to chew on a long celery stick.

I won't have not biscuits, or corn bread, or pie,

I'll munch on a carrot and quietly cry,

I'm hungry, I'm lonesome, and life is a bore-

But isn't that what January is for?

Unable to giggle, no longer a riot.

Happy New Year to all and to all a good diet!

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Created January 10, 2003